The Pre-Season Dean's List

Give me college basketball or give me a slow painful death. This off-season has been brutal. I've been forced to do things with my free time that I would never have done if college hoops had been on TV. I spent quality time with my girlfriend. I read really long books. I even volunteered at a homeless shelter. I know, it has been awful. Fortunately, the college basketball season is just on the horizon, and pretty soon I will be able to spend all day on the couch mulling over Roy Williams's permanent tan and Rick Majerus's ability to walk down stairs. So, without further ado, I present to you, "The Preseason Dean's List," meant to honor the best and worst of college basketball's off-season.

Honor Roll

Zach Spiker worked wonders as an assistant coach at Cornell. Now, Army is hoping the 33-year-old motivational prodigy can do the same as the head coach in West Point. During the past two seasons on the Cornell bench, Spiker guided the Big Red to back-to-back Ivy League championships and an undefeated season. He was hired to replace former Army coach Jeff Crews, who was canned following a confrontation with one of his players. Spiker certainly has his work cut out for him. The Army men's basketball team hasn't had a winning season since 1984-85.

My father always says that the apple does not fall far from the tree, which is an especially apt statement when talking about Michael Jordan's family. MJ's son, Jeff Jordan, who quit the Illinois basketball team in June after two seasons, has decided to make a comeback. The six-foot-one guard talked to Illini assistant coaches about a possible return for a few weeks before finally deciding to rejoin the squad. He initially left the team to concentrate on his academics, but those concerns have obviously been resolved. While not quite as dramatic as Air Jordan's comeback with the Bulls or even the Wizards, Jeff Jordan's college basketball sage proves that indecisiveness is truly a family trait.

It's been a tough year for former Kentucky coach Billy Gillispie. First he takes the most storied college basketball program in the country and runs them into the ground, then he gets canned after only two years on the job, and finally, he's arrested for a DUI, again. But if we ignore the beating his reputation has taken and concentrate on the girth of his wallet, Gillispie has had a stellar off-season. Sure, he's not coaching college hoops anymore and, sure, it has taken John Calipari a mere two months to clean up Gillispie's mess, but Billy-boy did make close to $3 million from his old employer. After filing a lawsuit against Kentucky, the former coach received an upfront settlement from the school that will surely pay for a brief stint in rehab.

Detention

As if Louisville coach Rick Pitino didn't have enough personal issues to worry about, now he's got personnel issues to deal with as well. Louisville senior guard Jerry Smith and sophomore forward Terrence Jennings were arrested after a fight during an alumni homecoming party at a southern Indiana restaurant. Police tasered Jennings not once, but twice, and then arrested Smith when he refused to back away from his teammate. They will each face one misdemeanor charge of resisting arrest, but Pitino, whose tawdry affair makes him anything but a disciplinarian, has already declared that neither will lose playing time, which is good for all those sports reporters who can't wait to refer to Jennings's play as "electrifying."

The biggest challenge facing the Kansas Jayhawks entering this season was how they were going to get so many talented players enough minutes. Guards Brady Morningstar and Tyshawn Taylor are doing their best to make coach Bill Self's rotation predicament easier. Morningstar was arrested for suspicion of drunken driving and was suspended from the team for the first semester. Taylor will be out four to six weeks after dislocating his thumb during an on-campus fight between the Kansas basketball and football teams. At this rate, by the time the college hoops season kicks off, Bill Self might actually have a manageable rotation.

Much like a toilet, Binghamton's basketball program has spiraled out of control this off-season. Actually, a spiral implies a slight time lag while the refuse circles, and Binghamton's decent from America East champs to college basketball laughing stock has been nothing if not speedy. So maybe the Bearcats are like one of those airplane toilets where the bottom drops out in a split second. Here's the time line:

• September 24^th - Weeks after coach Kevin Broadus receives a contract extension through 2014,  all-star guard Emanuel "Tiki" Mayben is arrested for selling cocaine twice back on June 29th.
• September 25^th - Five players - D.J. Rivera, Malik Alvin, Corey Chandler, Paul Crosby and David Fine - are released from the team because of attitude issues.
• September 30^th - Athletic director Joel Thirer resigns.
• October 9^th - Coach Broadus admits having contact with prospective recruits in violation of NCAA regulations.
• October 12^th - Binghamton suspends all off-campus recruiting.
• October 14th - Coach Broadus is placed on paid leave of absence.
  

All this comes after former player Miladin Kovacevic fled the country to avoid charges of beating a fellow student into a coma and transfer guard Malik Alvin was charged with stealing condoms from a local Walmart. Somehow, Broadus still has a job, just barely, but he might be playing a four man rotation this season.